The ego is all over the place. If you were looking to dissolve it, it is not hard to find…
The ego is big in nature for if it was small it would be much easier to erase. Big egos have more possibilities to realize the big ego.
Creating Attachment
“Soul mate”
This is the duality of judgment… For example: good and bad, fair and unfair, light and dark, poor and rich, right and wrong, beautiful and ugly always co-exist. And, merely because they cannot be perceived simultaneously by a single judgment, the ego does not see how one makes the other possible…
A single thought is not able to simultaneously think that a single woman’s looks can be both ugly and beautiful. This is ego. Thus, the ego is who chooses. (Perhaps choosing one beautiful woman?)
And therefore the ego is trapped and continues to suffer not questioning the cyclic nature of its analysis’. Perhaps, as one has not yet seen how thinking something is ugly creates beauty. Once the thinker has the definition of what has been judged, that judgment makes the exact opposite possible even in the same woman. It is very interesting how picking one woman over another for her wit makes a man instantly aware of this duality should a single “stupid” thing ever come out of her mouth. Stupidity is only “his” thought, his ego – just as her beauty, her ugliness is.
What are Things?
This egoic ineptness is certainly not limited to one judgment. It also applies to the children, his job, retirement and death… entire lives composed around comparisons.
For instance, to call one’s children “my” children, to call a job “my” job, retirement “his,” and to know “he” will die… to call a woman “my” wife only once out-loud is to subconsciously create something to lose. The ego can only lose things, which is only what it perceives it has earned, acquired based on what one perceived as valuable, which indicates that one feels that whatever was obtained actually belongs to oneself (to the ego).[1]
Ego can only earn what one has tried/worked to get so the ego can only lose what one has tried/worked to get. The ego can only lose what the ego itself has founded, or rather, what it has judged as worth finding. Thus, one might say and really feel that one has found the true self whenever one finds oneself happy with an object. Clearly, a woman is not a thing until the moment a man asserts she belongs to him, or even that she completes him. To him she is a very important and necessary thing and when she is gone the man’s ego will feel a loss no different from losing a wallet or a stereo except in the intensity.
By categorizing things as important the mind creates loss. The single statement has three implied meanings:
1. Through judgment alone it becomes possible to create loss. It is noticing a difference between things, between ideas or between people.
2. Through the judgment that one difference is more or less important than another difference to oneself… the ego is strengthened through the process.
3. And the more important a thing attached to is seen as; the more time there is spent attaching to the thing; and the more intense the suffering in its absence, and vice versa.
Simply put, the possibility of loss in the future is only plausible if the ego feels it has gained something in the past. Right now without the judgment of value and without perceiving comparisons there is no “I:” the two arise simultaneously because the “I” is the judge.[2]
Discarding a judgment about what one may or may not need becomes impossible when one decides that he/she may need it later (that the object is valuable or not valuable, beautiful or ugly), because at that moment the possibility that it also may not is discarded.
Perhaps the very possibility that it might not be needed could be reason enough to discard it? Wanting itself is something to be lost…
If that woman should leave why does he suffer?
Because it might be her behaviors : how she looked or even the way she spoke, attributes that he has deemed important – valuable to himself, that he misses. Because it might have been her behaviors that caused him to choose her over someone else… in choosing her she represented him. And, who anyone is constantly changes, which becomes quite apparent at the moment of her absence.
The way she deduced information or the way she added jokes onto the end of serious statements, the way she smiled, or perhaps the way she was aware of everyone’s needs except her own… This might be what the ego misses about her because this might be what he identified with. These “good” things about her is what made her different from all the other girls (regardless that other girls are capable of these traits) and allowed the ego to grow because she was “his,” because he was worthy enough to her for her to accept him. After her death this ‘missing her’ is his suffering. All the while this is about him, not her! He is pained.
This suffering is brought about because her death is the death of years of evolving predictions and analysis’, and evolving judgments and opinions – the death of creating new memories with her. It is the instant death of the conditioned continuation of each moment they were together. Now he cannot find out that he was wrong. Perhaps he can’t be surprised by the “bad” traits she exhibited any longer. Now he is not living. He is not growing because he cannot create any more memories with her. Maybe now is the time to reflect on the one’s he has?
Suffering – this feeling of loss; this thought of loss – is brought into being simultaneously with this conflict between her absence and the loss of the way he has evolved with her and because of her to think for himself.
She was who he is.
So, when she is gone, a part of him has gone. How big that part is depends on his judgment, and on the amount of time that the two spent together.
His current suffering, his conflict, is his lack of understanding, which is his attachment to his own judgments. The lack of understanding makes this seem like a tragedy. It happens now because throughout the moments they spent together at times he admired her and at other times resented her. He has judged her; he has respected her. He has disrespected her. She was judged “important;” “valuable.” – Worthy of his respect and disrespect.
She was the woman he had spent his life with.
Because he respected her then he misses her now. Over their years together the feeling of respect he created, which was created within his high/low standards and thus the high/low standards that he also held himself to is what he is pained about – resisting letting it all go. So he avoids it. So, now he remembers the good-times. Now he thinks about how he admired her. Now he may even think about how he shouldn’t think about how he admired her.
Now “I” am suffering.
Let us go through his mind after her absence to observe the suffering the “I” creates, perhaps in the hopes of arriving at the absence of avoidance, maybe where the ego can resolve itself into peace…
She Is Gone
Images of moments together randomly and endlessly flash on the movie screen of the mind. Because I am helpless to stop thinking about these memories whenever I want I feel like I am suffering. The ego is rendered helpless… Times at the kitchen table at home-cooked breakfast. Trips to the annual fair and out to eat. Perfectly timed jokes. Overcoming hardships. Every time she helped me; stood out from others; smiled; suffered; joked; came through for me, cycles through memory. This feels like coping but deep down I know that I haven’t got over her absence and may never because I haven’t gotten over her. I wonder, “how can something this deep-rooted, created years into the past, be coped with at the instant moment of her departure?” I lie to myself to offset the pain brought into light through thinking about these things, through thinking about her present absence. Ego tells itself, I tell me, that this suffering is a natural process of “coping,” only I notice that after telling myself that I still continue to suffer.
Instead of moving on I think that I have to move on… and so how to go about it naturally follows, which indicates attachment; which indicates not really wanting to move on! “Moving on,” or coping, is truly instantaneous or else it would never occur. Telling myself I have to move on is the same as not being ready to move on. Instead I am telling myself to move on because I don’t intend to accept her leave, because at the moment of her absence I was not ready to face how I felt honestly, in order to see why I felt like that. This is the wall the ego built. It was there all along but it is merely more prevalent at moments like these.
Instead of becoming quiet in the realization of what has happened I think about my job; about family; about friends; about money; about moving on; and about her, etc. The ego is heavily conditioned and this is apparent more than ever now as this is the time to realize that the judgments I created that made her important, were more important than she was to me. So, how can the ego observe that? The ego judges.
Of course, the ego refuses to and exists now in this state of denial. I will think about her all the time or try not to think about her… and this is called “love.” Since I do not know how to stop thinking about this I will accept this problem by avoiding it, perhaps by labeling this “keeping her memory alive.” I may never get over her. I am suffering because I say to another, “she will always be with me!” And deep down because I make this true – because I assume that avoidance itself must be easier than the true pain that surrendering to the problem, to what actually has happened might create… that every memory arising, the mindstate I now create – any thought of her keeps me from living in the present which undoubtedly she would only want me to do.
Now I realize how thinking that ‘I have to move on’ is creating my suffering. It is the mindstate; it is the ego!
Why start over?
Why reset myself back to the beginning perhaps only to repeat the exact same process over with a different person?
After serious self-introspection I realize now that if I “cope” with her absence I have not learned anything.
Perhaps, I am suffering because after she is gone, after some time of hesitating entering an ego-less observation of what is going on within me, I perceive this as an unsolvable problem? Unfortunately, there is no doubt that if I had truly been aware of every single timeless present moment we were together while she was here, then letting go wouldn’t be “letting go;” it wouldn’t be so hard now. To understand enough to say “she didn’t belong to me” is to have spoken the truest statement of love. It is a realization that unfortunately one rarely realizes while someone is alive. If one truly realizes that then one understands that the moment her physical body has disappeared she never existed. It implies letting go. But much further it implies living for the moment and never missing a second to conceptualizations. How could I miss her now unless I had missed her then? How often did my mind delve into the past or future while she was very much here sitting on the couch next to me?
A New Realization of the Quiet Mind
One becomes aware of the timelessness of the present moment when one realizes that the moment she is not present she does not exist, because it implies further that when she is present that moment is timeless. The mind must be equally aware at all times…
…possible only with the awareness of the now rather than thought itself, which becomes lost in the past, future, or amidst judgments of the present…
This unsolvable problem; this feeling of loss bringing about intense suffering, is created because I intensely regret that there were wasted moments between us.[3] Because I kept things bottled up then I am bottling up now, given I wish and imagine that she was/is still here. I feel ready to say what needs to be said now that she has left, as her death makes the ego realize that “I” have been avoiding saying it.
I realize, how different is “missing her” from feeling ashamed?
That is what “keeping her memory alive” is all about.
That is not love.
Missing her after she has passed is tragic. Because, regretting anything is useless; because it is just the continuance of a similar mindstate of thought to the kind that ego created – to the kind that avoided her while she was alive.
Is thinking about the times I failed in the past different from failing in the past?
Once one accepts not arriving at the truth, if the mind is clear, the truth rushes in…
The Truth
Because at times I felt she was immensely important it made the unimportant things about her possible. The things that at times I was more unaware of than the traits about her that caused me to choose her. It was my thoughts about her that built her up and tore her down which made her both important and unimportant. She was much more than that. She is not an image or a thought, a single beautiful experience or several, or my soul mate. Of course she is much more than that. No image, no thought, no beautiful experience and no person belongs to anyone. The very moment one thinks one does they make an image, a thought, experience or person unnecessarily valuable and they suffer as they resist allowing it to pass away…
…to place in the natural course of things.
[1] Does a man have to know that a woman is valuable to value her? Or, must he know that to want her? All women are valuable, how can he choose one out of all women?
[2] Wanting to try cigarettes causes a person to like them. Or it might have caused a person to dislike them. Either way, that “want” itself created an opinion. The “want,” and the resulting opinion is ego-the ego is the thought, the judge. “Want” cannot exist where everything is equal. The ego is what categorizes things as different-as beautiful, tall, intelligent, quick, delicious, or colorful, etc.
[3] Perhaps including arguments, but most definitely including not speaking one’s mind, like relating to her how I truly felt at times… keeping things bottled up… avoiding saying what needed to be said, or doing what I felt needed to be done, predicting our future in the present.